The Zombie Apocalypse: Unlikely Ways to Slay the Living Dead

I have two confessions to make. First: I am obsessed with zombies. Second: I am obsessed with beauty products. So what does a girl do with her vast knowledge of the undead and a small Sephora in her bathroom? Why, write about beauty products that could be used as awesome zombie killing tools during the zombie apocalypse, of course! So without any further ado, here’s what you can use to slay some living dead:


Tweezers are essential to daily life (well, at least my daily life) and in a zombie apocalypse they are invaluable, multifunctional and easy to travel with.

Besides being able to pluck those pesky eyebrow hairs (a zombie apocalypse is no excuse to have 2 caterpillars on your face), you can use tweezers to stab a too-close-for-comfort zombie in the eye. Those super sharp ends that so wonderfully grab the tiniest of hairs also wonderfully stab eyeballs. From personal experience I know how much that can hurt and it could buy you enough time to run away.

If that method fails you and the zombie eats your brains anyways, at least you will die knowing you had kicking brows until the very end.

Like tweezers, hairspray is a multi-functional tool. If it’s good enough to poke a hole in the ozone, it should be good enough to kill, or at the very least stun, some zombies.

Hairspray is awesome at keeping frizzy hair from going all over the place. I know what you’re thinking, “Who the hell would care about some frizzies in an apocalypse?!” Knowing me, I would. That’s why I’m all about products that serve 2 functions.  If a zombie gets too close to you while you’re taming that big bushy mane, spray that sucker in the eye! Have you ever accidentally sprayed hairspray in your eyes? I have and let me tell you, it is not pleasant. It’s almost as awesome as getting some in your mouth. Hairspray is essentially the pepper spray of beauty products.

An even better second use for hairspray: a poor man’s flame thrower. Grab a can, add a lighter and you got yourself a fire that could quickly and easily wipe out dozens of zombies in seconds. The added bonus to this is that you don’t have to be all up on a zombie to get them and distance is always good when it comes to the undead.

If for whatever reason that hairspray fireball doesn’t work out and you’re still attacked by the horde, well at least you died frizz free!

Remember the 80’s? All that big, teased hair? That was all accomplished using a little thing called the rattail comb. One end is a comb for the actual teasing, while the other end is pointy to…separate the hair I guess? I’m going to be honest, I have no clue what that end does other than occasionally poke me when I’m digging around for the comb in a drawer.

With that, I bring you to how you can defend yourself against zombies: poke ’em. Hard. They’re mostly rotting, fleshy shells of their former selves, so a good ole’ poke could really do some damage. Just make sure to give the comb a good washing before using it again. You wouldn’t want to ruin your ‘do with zombie goo.

If you are unsuccessful in poking and running, rest in peace knowing that you had big, rockin’ hair. You know what they say, the bigger the hair, the closer to God. Or something like that.

Disclaimer: obviously most of these tools aren’t ideal because you have to be in pretty close range to the zombies in order to use them. However, if you are in some serious hand to rotted-fleshy-hand combat with a member of the living dead, let’s just say beggars can’t be choosers. You’d probably rather be wielding a can of Aqua Net instead of up a certain undesirable creek without a paddle, right?

ARELYS has an extensive knowledge of zombies thanks to her love of zombie movies and her adoration of the book The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. She also loves the Left4Dead games and although she spends most of her time walking in circles and getting stuck in corners and closets while playing said game, she is confident that her real-life zombie killing skills are much better (at least she hopes they are much better.)

1 comment for “The Zombie Apocalypse: Unlikely Ways to Slay the Living Dead

  1. Your Mom
    April 14, 2011 at 12:49 am

    My dear, you are a great writer!
    Why don’t you consider freelance writing for some magazine or on line sites.
    I am not a zombie fan but your article was cute!
    Love you,
    Mom

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