BigDamnEats: This Cake is NOT a Lie

Two things I love in my life; baking and my husband, Chris. Two things Chris loves; gaming and homemade treats. With his deployment homecoming fast approaching I was frantically racking my brain trying to figure out how to combine the two for a relatively easy surprise. I decided to bake a cake; but not just any cake…

The Portal Cake.

I know there are plenty of other recipes out there and trust me, I’ve looked at every single one. None of them worked for me; a mother of two kids, ages 6 and 5 months, with a full time job and a deployed husband. I barely have time to brush my hair let alone bake! So here’s my “recipe” for The Easiest Portal Cake Ever…


2 boxes chocolate cake mix
2 packages Jello instant chocolate pudding mix
2 cups sour cream
2 cups vegetable oil
8 eggs
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups chocolate chips
2 containers pre-made chocolate frosting
8 maraschino cherries drained, rinsed & patted dry
White squeeze frosting
1 white candle
2 9oz containers of chocolate sprinkles


Preheat oven to 350 degrees farenheit. In a very, very large bowl (or in my case 2 bowls, I split the ingredients equally between the two) mix together everything except the chocolate chips. The batter is going to be very, very thick.

Once all the ingredients are mixed, fold in the chocolate chips. Scoop the batter into 3 9-inch pie pans.

Bake for 35-45 minutes depending on your oven. Once a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, it’s time to take out the cakes!

I left the cakes to cool overnight. You never want to frost a cake when it hasn’t been completely cooled, baaaad things happen when you do that!

Once the cakes are cooled, remove one from the pan and place it on a flat surface; preferably where the cake will remain when it’s finished.

Spread a layer of frosting on the top of the cake. As much as you want, just not too much that the next layer will slip off.

Repeat for the next layer and then once you get the third layer on frost the entire cake. Don’t worry about making the frosting perfect or smooth, it won’t matter once you get the sprinkles on it.

Once the cake is completely frosted, pour your sprinkles in a bowl. At this point I moved the cake and my sprinkles over to the sink and carefully balanced the cake on the edge of the sink so the excess sprinkles went IN the sink instead of ON my floor. Grab a handful of sprinkles and quickly smash them on the sides of the cake! (This is the fun part!)

Make sure to do it with enough force that they stick but not so much that you lose them in the frosting or push the cake over. You want to make sure every inch of the frosting is covered but that you can still see the texture from a distance.

Repeat this for the entire cake including the top. Putting the sprinkles on top is the easy part! Once all the frosting is covered place the cake in the fridge for about an hour to stiffen the frosting so the weight of the sprinkles doesn’t ruin all your hard work! After your hour is up, take out your white frosting, cherries and candle. With the icing, squeeze a smooth, even circle about 1/2 inch away from the edge of the cake (we’ll call this 12 o’clock). Repeat with another circle directly across from the first (6 o’clock). Add two more at 3 and 9 o’clock respectively then one more circle in between all current circles. In total, you should have 8 icing circles on the outside of the cake. Place a final icing circle in the center, about half the size as the exterior circles. Press a cherry in each of the exterior circles and the candle in the center. Voila! You’re done!

My “circles” didn’t turn out very well since I bought the wrong kind of white icing and it ran (don’t use cookie icing!). But the general idea is still there!

The bottom line? This cake is delicious (half is gone already!) and it’s perfect for any Portal fanatic in your life. Enjoy!

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